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Who Am I? What Year Is It? When Will I Get To Sleep?

(Originally published on The $76K Project on 3/2/2019)

I'm stopping in with a very informal post to say that

I. Am. Tired.

Not unhappy, but tired.

I haven't been sleeping well because I have job anxiety. This means that I get sleepy and go to bed by 10 PM...

...and then proceed to stare into the darkness for two or three hours before raiding pretzels from the pantry and knocking myself out with Benadryl.

Don't get me wrong: I don't dislike my new job. This gig is ten bajillion times better than the previous one. In fact, I rather enjoy the tasks assigned to me.

The problem is that there are so many of them. I don't know if I can keep up, and I'm not just saying that. I'm doing my best, but the work is still bleeding over into the evenings and the weekends.

I've always been pretty good at my jobs, even if I didn't like them. Even if I felt like I was completely half-assing the work.

This job?

I am triple-assing it, and I'm still not keeping up. I don't know how anyone in my position gets eight hours of sleep a night, eats three healthy meals, and takes Saturday and Sunday off. I assume nobody does.

At the beginning of the year, I promised myself that I'd drink 64 oz. of water a day and meditate and work out four days a week. Right now I'm managing to drink the water, but the workouts and the meditation keep getting put on the back burner. Are they important? Will they help me? Maybe so, but I get so overwhelmed by the thought of trying to do all the things. I can't let myself succumb to that feeling, and I need to put my time and energy into the thing that will pay me. So sometimes the meditation and/or working out get(s) put off.

My boss says that I'm doing well but that I need to pick up the pace. Otherwise, I'm going to be working 60 hours a week. At present, I'm working at least 50 hours a week. Regardless of how well I like what I'm doing, that's not sustainable for me.

And that's a really scary thing to say. I don't want to look for another job. I just don't. It took me months to find and interview for this position, and it was an exhausting, emotional, roller-coastery experience. As it is, I don't think anyone would want to hire me because my resume clearly shows that I am a shameless job-hopper who can't/won't stick with anything for more than a year.

In the meantime, I'm doing my best and hoping that I will figure it out. I'm also shoveling money into savings in case I need to pull the cord on the parachute. God, that's a terrifying thought. With our emergency fund and our tax refund, we'd be able to get through a few months without me bringing in a paycheck, but given that I have no idea what I'd do after that, it kind of feels like I shouldn't let my brain go there. Not working wouldn't be sustainable, either.

I just don't even know.

Is there anyone else who no longer knows what a normal and halfway enjoyable job looks like?

Are there any other 40-year-old women out there who have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOING?

Or is it just me?

Disclaimer, in the interest of my own sanity: I'm not looking for a pep talk. I'm not down on myself. This rant comes from a very practical place: this might work out, but it might not, because there are only so many hours in the day. I'm just taking it one step at a time, one day at a time, because that's all I can do. For once, I'm not frustrated with myself. This is the best I can do, and I'm satisfied with that.

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