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June Wasn't A Good Month.

The mountain vacation I'd been planning and looking forward to for months and months was a total bust. The hotel -- which has received rave reviews in the past -- turned out to be a dump with paper-thin walls, a broken mirror, holes in the ceiling, and dead bugs in random places. The forest was closed due to fire restrictions, so we couldn't hike; even if it had been open, it rained the entire time. 

We came home three days early. The hotel refunded $250 of the $1400 we paid when we reserved our suite. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that we threw >$1K down the drain.

I went to see my doctor, whom I have known for more than five years, about irregular bleeding that was freaking me out. She spoke with me for 30 seconds and then dumped me on her trainee, a dude who looked to be approximately 25 years old. He asked me some questions about my period and then ordered some blood tests; this would have been okay (albeit better as a telehealth visit) except that neither he nor my regular doctor ever contacted me with the results. They did charge me $115 for the appointment and $80 for the bloodwork, though. I tracked down the results myself, interpreted them with the help of Google, and made another appointment with a different doctor just to be safe. 

Money felt really tight. I think our $300 rent increase is hitting us harder than I thought it would. I decreased my retirement contributions, started meal planning, and began writing out uber-specific grocery lists to avoid food waste, but somehow it doesn't feel like enough (and probably isn't, because inflation).

Work is weird and lonely. Many of my colleagues knew each other before covid and have tight relationships and inside jokes. I've always worked remotely for my company so I've never met any of them in person. There are like two people who will actually reply to my emails; with everyone else, they ignore me until one of my manager friends steps in and insists upon an answer. They forget (or maybe "forget") to tell me when they need me to work on a project, so oftentimes I am not aware of it until the deadline is rightthere.

But besides that nonsense, my job seems totally silly and pointless -- the epitome of a bullshit job. I don't believe that what you do for a living should be your "calling," necessarily, but I do think it's important to have some motivation beyond a paycheck so that your soul doesn't wither. 

And then there's the overturning of Roe v. Wade, and all of the other absolutely fucked up decisions the Supreme Court made this past week. I've been doing my best to look after myself (taking my meds, running, getting enough sleep, checking in with people), but no amount of self-care can touch how depressed I feel about all this.

I remember when I was hopeful about the future. I think it is possible to still find hope. I think I will eventually. But I can't seem to locate it right now.


  1. I can relate to a lot of your comments about Roe and other decisions, plus how hard it is to work a job when coworkers are uncooperative and unfriendly. My sister-in-law just told me how she was diagnosed with diabetes in 2019 from routine bloodwork but nobody on the staff called her and told her about her results. She didn't find out until 2021 when she had her next bloodwork done (didn't go to the doctor in 2020 due to covid shutdowns). They couldn't explain why nobody had reached out to her in 2019 when her results were alarmingly high. That's really disappointing about your vacation!!!

    Sue H.

  2. I feel this so much. I came creeping back to find you today because I am in a very similar place for other reasons. I’m so sorry for all of this—the constant pressures and acute disappointments. I really hope this month is better and we can all weather this dystopia.


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